Sorrow Remains

On this day six months ago, I said goodbye to one of my best friends. Yes, some of my best friends are cats and I have no shame admitting that. To many, Donovan was just another stray cat in my neighborhood and not a very pretty one at that. To me, Donovan was a reminder of myself and a beautiful gift.

I'll never forget one night she showed up on my front porch literally soaked to the bone. Often when I close my eyes, I imagine her walking head down through the heavy rain determined to reach  the shelter of my porch.  Many times of my life were like walking through blinding rain seeking shelter.

I wish I would have brought you into the house sooner Donovan. I wish I would have known how to cure oral cancer. I wish I could know with complete certainity that having you put to sleep was the best thing for you. Doubts still linger.

I miss these sweet white sock paws of yours:

I miss your constant purr. I miss your gratitude and love. I miss everything about you. I wanted to write a long, eloquent, sincere post worthy of you but the tears are coming too strong now.

Until we meet again my girl, know that I still love you:

Christmas Card

We wish you a Christmas full of love, peace, grace and purrs.

Kitty Decor

A Pet Grief Observed: Part 4

On October 8th it will be 4 weeks... an entire month... since I said goodbye to Donovan. In many ways it feels like a lifetime since I last held her or heard her overwhelmingly loud purr. In other ways it feels like it was only yesterday that she died. I have shed tears for her every day since that morning. I still miss her horribly. She truly left a hole in my heart; or maybe she filled a hole?

I don't know for certain if she was abused, but I do know she was abandoned. Rejection is a season I know full well. We shared an understanding of what it was like to be hurt and took comfort in the joy of having each other. She showed me you can still offer love after going through pain. I wasn't the one who taught her it's ok to trust, she helped teach me that. I didn't know her as a kitten nor did I watch her grow, but I shared the golden years with her and refused to allow her to die alone. The best way I can describe Donovan is she was a gift and I thank God that He allowed her to come to my front door.

Earlier, I wrote about my desire to honor Donovan's life and the treasure she was to me. I considered donating money in her name to a local no-kill rescue group, but I hesitated. It was only yesterday when I realized I was meant to give to an incredible woman who lives on the other side of the country, but is dedicated to saving cats. Call us kindred spirits perhaps. I wanted to encourage her and also to carry on the act of giving which Donovan showered on me.

In response to donating to her cause, she made such a sweet thoughtful gesture that pulled at my heartstrings and really meant so much to me. She named one of the kitties she's caring for after my Donovan! Here is a picture of Donovan's namesake (the black and white kitty in front):

I love this picture. I love this cat. Look how healthy and happy she is. Look at that "smile!" This simple act of naming a kitty after Donovan brought happy tears for once. Thank you MA. Although we are strangers, I consider you a dear friend for you offer rare kindness and love to amazing animals and to a person you don't even know.

Trying to be Nice

I've noticed something is wrong with the humans. Normally I would take advantage of their weakened state, however I suspect they are mourning Donovan. Out of respect for a fellow feline, I attempted to console the female human.

Do you need a hug?

Wanna see my belly?

Wanna see my tongue?

Wanna talk to my paw?

Agghh, I give up. Stop looking at me lady!

A Pet Grief Observed , Part 3

I am so thankful for this blog. Without it there would not be nearly as many pictures or videos of my wonderful cats. I encourage anyone who has a pet, to take a lot of pictures... especially when they are doing something you love or something that makes you laugh. I treasure every memory I have of Donovan and the fact that I have some of those memories documented means even more to me.

One of the things I loved about Donovan was she always wanted to be pet. If you stopped, she would grab your hand with her paws and pull you close to her face.

No matter what kind of day I was having, when she would do this I instantly felt better. It never ceased to amaze me how the need to touch, the desire to have one close, the kindness of offering love was evident in her. She loved me and I loved her. I cannot express how grateful I am to have this recorded so I can watch it over and over again. She doesn't seem so far away.

A Pet Grief Observed: Part 2

Donovan's ashes return today and my heart is heavy. I've never cremated a pet before and I'm overwhelmed with indecision. Do I spread her ashes somewhere? No, she would never want to be back outside. She loved having a home and living inside. Do I buy an urn? If so, what kind do I get? The vet explained her ashes will be in a simple wood box. Donovan loved simple. Maybe I should keep the simple box... but I want to honor Donovan in some way that captures the treasure she was to me.

I've been reading about ways to memorialize your pet. Some suggest planting a tree. I do need to replace a palm tree in the back yard. Should I have a new one installed in her honor? All I can think about is what if that palm tree dies? My previous palm tree planting experience has only yielded a 50% success rate. I don't want to deal with a tree for Donovan dying. Others recommend donating money in the pet's memory to a non-kill shelter or animal rescue group. I like that idea. Having a painting or drawing of your pet commissioned sounds nice too. Creating a memory box is another good thought.

Thus far I haven't been able to part with much of anything that had to do with Donovan. I did empty and clean her litterbox, but broke down and cried. The finality of her never using the box again hit me hard. I threw away her unused dry food but will donate her remaining can food to an animal rescue group. I still have her favorite toys and blankets which I will undoubtedly add to her memory box.

What I have to say next, may enter the creepy phase of memory tokens. Some background information is warranted. I loved Donovan's fur. She had such an unusual coat in that the black section of her fur was white underneath. Each individual black strand of her fur was half black and half white. I spent a lot of time brushing Donovan. It was a great way for us to bond and spend quality one on one time together. With all that said, I saved several strands of Donovan's fur and put it in a small decorative bottle. I don't know if that borders on unusual or odd, but I wanted to keep part of her as she was and also wanted to always be able to see her beautiful fur.

At times, I still find myself looking for her or talking to her. My life is simply not the same without her. I'm afraid to pick up her ashes today at the vet. I miss petting her. I miss holding her. I miss her. I miss her love.

Sad Abbi

Momma I don't want to play, I miss Donovan:

Missing Donovan

A heartbreaking aspect of Donovan's death is no longer experiencing all of the unique things that made Donovan who she was. For instance, my dad and I go to lunch together 5 days a week. Miss Donovan adored her Pappy and looked forward to his arrival with a silly, dreamy expression on her face:

She was always underfoot rubbing her face and entire body against his legs as he walked to the armoire where I kept her treats:

Oh how she loved treat time with Pappy:

Next came the patented Pappy massage. Donovan would always lay on top of one of her mouse toys, purr like a maniac, and either knead or dig her claws into the carpet / blanket in pure delight:

She was always sad to see him leave:

I miss this lunch routine and my Donovan so very much.



A Pet Grief Observed: Part 1

Today is the one week anniversary of Donovan's passing. I still cry every day missing my sweet girl. I  still question whether I did the right thing for her or not. I still feel lost without her.

My prayer is that I will be reunited with her again one day.

Perhaps continuing to write candidly about Donovan and how difficult it was to lose her will help me with my grief and maybe even help someone else. If you know anything about me, you know I love animals and for some reason God instilled a particular love for felines in my heart.

The most prevalent emotion I most often feel, other than obvious sadness, is guilt. The reason I took Donovan to the vet on that Thursday was because she hadn't been eating well for about two weeks. She wanted to eat and would start with such fervor, but then she would give up rather quickly. Her beloved treats would go uneaten or they would fall out of her mouth in crumbs. I also noticed she wasn't licking right nor grooming well. Something was wrong with her tongue. My first thought was she must have a sore in her mouth. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she's had prior issues with her kidneys?

I wasn't prepared for the vet to say oral cancer. When he examined her mouth and cast me a disturbed look, I still thought she simply had a sore in her mouth. He asked me to take a look and although I definitely saw a very inflamed, large "thing" under her tongue I stupidly thought it was just an irritation that would go away with medicine. As I heard the word "cancer" a fog settled in my brain and it started raining questions: Why didn't I bring her in sooner?  How could I have missed that? Why didn't I sense there was something seriously wrong? I felt like I let her down. After all the promises I had made to love her and take care of her, I had failed her.

One of my greatest struggles is remembering the car ride to the vet with her. Donovan hated the car and had a great fear of abandonment. As she cried her fear meows, I kept telling her it would be alright and that I would stay with her. I repeatedly said:

"I'll bring you back home sweetheart."
"I will not leave you."
"I love you so much my brave girl."

I lied to her. I did not bring her home that day. She trusted me. That guilt haunts me.

Many people have tried to convince me I did the right thing by putting her down that day, but I'll always wonder if it would have been better to bring her back home. I unequivocally did not want her to suffer and I felt an enormous need to protect her, but was I simply not strong enough to allow her to die on her terms? My mom tells me I let her go back to her true home with her Creator and that she will always be at home in my heart. I sure hope she's right.

I'm so sorry Donovan if I did the wrong thing; please never doubt my love for you.

Goodbye my Girl

Aleah, Shia, the kittens, and I are pretty busy tending to Momma. There are lots of tears we need to lick and hugs we need to give, so we are taking some time off from posting to grieve for Donovan. We wanted to share two more pictures though. First we want to sincerely thank our vet and all his staff for their compassion and caring. They sent these flowers:

The rug is in the kitchen nook and it was one of Donovan's favorite places to lay and soak up the sun. She also thought it served as a mighty fine scratching surface. The house and our hearts are so empty without her.

We also wanted to share this picture. Momma hated giving Donovan insulin shots so she would hold her in the sun and they would comfort each other.

Goodbye sweet Donovan. We love you.

Momma's Princess

For the first time, Momma is posting this entry.

This is my princess:

When she first came to the house, she looked so bad. Her fur was a mess, she was starving, and lots of other descriptions I don't want to dwell on... the only thing that mattered was I fell in love with her. After a while I couldn't stand her being outside anymore, so I tricked her into a carrier with a plate of tuna and whisked her off to the vet. My heart ached to see that she was on her own, most likely abandoned, and I wanted to devote my life to filling the rest of her life with love. This sweet girl was so grateful for love. The moment she saw you or you came into her presence, her little purr machine was going like crazy and she would flutter her tail in excitement. She enjoyed the simple things in life: food available at all times, clean water, and a soft place to sleep. Here you can see two of her favorite things, her blanket and her mouse toy:

Despite finally getting good nutrition and care, she still struggled with ear infections, diabetes, and kidney problems. However, she never complained. She was content to be in a loving home. This magnificent creature taught me that even when life is bad and you've been hurt, rejected, and on your own, there is still peace and love. She taught me to be grateful no matter what. She taught me to love deeper. Every day I told her how beautiful she is, how loved she is, and that she is like a princess to me. I have a feeling no one ever told her those things and every cat deserves to know love and to know they are a wondrous creation.

Today I had to make the ultimate decision of love. I had to agree to put my lovely, sweet Donovan down. That horrific disease cancer has quickly and aggressively developed in Donovan's mouth. She had a large mass under her tongue and our vet, as well as a specialist surgeon, informed me it is not operable and it is fatal. I could not stand to have my sweet girl suffer any more. She has been through so much and her prognosis was a week or two at best. In no way would I allow her to literally become starving or dying of thirst. She has had eating problems for two weeks already and I knew how difficult it was for her to want to eat and simply not be able to. Today just before 10:00 AM EST I handed my Donovan back to her Creator. I stayed with her through the procedure and covered her with all my love and tears. First she was sedated and she and I had a few moments alone before she was unconscious. I told her over and over how loved she was, how honored I was to be in her life, and that I would see her again. She was purring. Then the vet and nurse came in to administer the final shot. I held her head and watched as she took her last breath and entered heaven. I gently kissed her one final time and repeated that I loved her.

Everyone assures me it was the best thing to do for you, but I miss you so much my sweet, sweet girl. I'm lost without you and there's a place in my heart that will always be yours. You are healed now with no pain and I know my brother Jim will take great care of you until we meet again. I adapted this line from Hamlet and would whisper it to you every night but now it means so much more: Good night my sweet princess, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. 



(Last picture taken of Donovan)

I love you and miss you so much.
09-08-2011



Wordless Wednesday

New Cat Tree

Momma is well aware of the fact that none of the felines in the house like the kittens. In light of that, she has been trying her best to spoil the rest of us.

LOOK WHAT I GOT!!!

I've always wanted a cat tree. Aleah has one but she won't let me on it. This one is all mine and I love it:

Did ya get a good picture of my tree Aleah? Here lemme see:



Freaky Friday

Not a good start to today... Abbi wants to kill Donovan, Aleah found the kitten carrier in her sacred bathroom, Shia is sick of the insanely high heat index, and Milo wants to live with Momma.

Donovan's Bad Day

Donovan had to get a vaccine shot yesterday. This morning Momma discovered Donovan threw up her dinner and doesn't have much of an appetite. Hopefully lots of rest with her favorite toy will help:

Happy 4th of July!

We're not a fan of firecrackers or fireworks but we are a fan of freedom.

Kitty Rivalry

Donovan: Abbi, please let me out.

Abbi: Not a chance.

Happy Kitty

Experts on feline behavior claim when a cat's tail is straight up, they are happy and content. One normally sees this while a cat is upright, but I am such a happy girl that I continue to position my tail this way even when I'm laying down:

Kitty Yoga

Now that I have a lot of spare time on my paws, I've been dabbling in yoga. I'm not convinced I'm doing it correctly, but I have notice my stretching abilities have improved. I basically make up my own poses and make sure to breathe properly. I wonder if this will help my abs?