My prayer is that I will be reunited with her again one day.
Perhaps continuing to write candidly about Donovan and how difficult it was to lose her will help me with my grief and maybe even help someone else. If you know anything about me, you know I love animals and for some reason God instilled a particular love for felines in my heart.
The most prevalent emotion I most often feel, other than obvious sadness, is guilt. The reason I took Donovan to the vet on that Thursday was because she hadn't been eating well for about two weeks. She wanted to eat and would start with such fervor, but then she would give up rather quickly. Her beloved treats would go uneaten or they would fall out of her mouth in crumbs. I also noticed she wasn't licking right nor grooming well. Something was wrong with her tongue. My first thought was she must have a sore in her mouth. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she's had prior issues with her kidneys?
I wasn't prepared for the vet to say oral cancer. When he examined her mouth and cast me a disturbed look, I still thought she simply had a sore in her mouth. He asked me to take a look and although I definitely saw a very inflamed, large "thing" under her tongue I stupidly thought it was just an irritation that would go away with medicine. As I heard the word "cancer" a fog settled in my brain and it started raining questions: Why didn't I bring her in sooner? How could I have missed that? Why didn't I sense there was something seriously wrong? I felt like I let her down. After all the promises I had made to love her and take care of her, I had failed her.
One of my greatest struggles is remembering the car ride to the vet with her. Donovan hated the car and had a great fear of abandonment. As she cried her fear meows, I kept telling her it would be alright and that I would stay with her. I repeatedly said:
"I'll bring you back home sweetheart."
"I will not leave you."
"I love you so much my brave girl."
I lied to her. I did not bring her home that day. She trusted me. That guilt haunts me.
Many people have tried to convince me I did the right thing by putting her down that day, but I'll always wonder if it would have been better to bring her back home. I unequivocally did not want her to suffer and I felt an enormous need to protect her, but was I simply not strong enough to allow her to die on her terms? My mom tells me I let her go back to her true home with her Creator and that she will always be at home in my heart. I sure hope she's right.
I'm so sorry Donovan if I did the wrong thing; please never doubt my love for you.
2 comments:
even though donovan was your kitty, we can tell u this from a kitty perspective. we know for sure she loved and appreciated all you did for her, remember we were in a similar position. she does not doubt you at all and knows you did what was best for her. at least she enjoyed the time she got to spend with you and had such a better life then before. we only want to say that we hope you dont keep beating yourself up cuz we know it will make donovan sad. she wants you to move on too and be happy like she did. dont worry, we know shell be watching down and when she sees you back to normal and having fun, shes gonna be one happy kitty!!
Thank you kittens. It does bring a smile to my face to know the two of you are healthy, happy, and in a great home. You are growing up to be very sweet felines. I appreciate your kind words especially from your kitty perspective.
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